Dear Josh Gordon’s Open Letter:
What up? I know you’ve never met me, which would be like impossible to do because we’re both inanimate objects, but I feel that I need to address you. Not as a critic, but as a kindred spirit; as one disingenuous piece of writing to another. I think it’s important to point out that I’m not a critic because it seems you have a problem with critics, particularly Josh Gordon’s . So before I go any further I just want you to know that I am totally on your side and am in no way being critical of you or Josh or the PR team that wrote you. I think you’re all swell people.
You may ask yourself why someone who you have never met would take the time to craft an open letter discussing your existence in the first place. It seems kinda desperate and “cry for attention”-y on its face, right? I mean why would anyone go through all the effort of penning a self-serving, one-sided narrative full of talking points that lack the ability to be refuted in any way when it won’t change anything? Clearly it’s because I care about you, Open Letter. I probably care too much about you frankly. But this is America and you are tangentially connected to football therefore I have no choice but to care, and care passionately, and get all my caring in right now before the 24-hour news cycle moves on to Richard Sherman’s midwife betting the over.
I’d like to start by saying I don’t care a lick about Josh Gordon. I mean not at all. In any way. This does not mean that I wish him ill. In fact quite the opposite. I would love to see Josh go forth and flourish in these streets. Or the streets of Cleveland. Or whichever streets he’s in just some long as he’s not drunk driving again because that’s not how you flourish. It’s how you wind up like Josh wound up, all suspended and malflourished and whatnot. In fact if Josh wasn’t one of the most malflourished people on the planet you wouldn’t even have been written and the time spent writing me could have been used to watch Empire instead.
Have you seen Empire yet? I know you’re only like a day old but you really should stop floating around the internet and take time to watch it. It’s a trainwreck! A glorious, gratuitous trainwreck of a show that only get more outrageous by with every episode. In that sense it’s sort of like Josh’s excuses for everything he’s done only more realistic. There’s even a marginally talented kid with a Gumby haircut and a terrible attitude! How perfect is that? You’d love it!
I only bring up Empire because there’s a character on the show that has a problem. We’ll call him “J”. Not just because his name is Jamal but because that will also make the forthcoming thinly veiled reference to Josh much easier to make. So anyway J has a problem, only he can’t admit he has a problem, which obviously makes the problem worse. J is gay. That’s not the problem of course, this is 2015 after all. The problem is that he doesn’t want to publically admit to his fans that he is gay. This adds even more to J’s problems since he’ really not that popular to begin with and being honest would actually probably only help his popularity. But he can’t deal with the idea of people knowing the truth about him so he spends his days crying and playing the piano. No seriously. I can prove it.
Now I have not idea if Josh is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but I do know he has a problem. That’s why he wrote you. But his problem is much the same as Cryin McKnight up there: he can’t admit that he has a problem. It’s so hard for him to admit he has a problem that he wrote you, and you’re more full of crap than he is.
Look I’m not calling Josh a liar per se, but he is in denial, and you should be ashamed of the role you played in fostering that denial. How many times can any reasonable adult be told ” Don’t do this one thing or else” and yet they mistakenly do it anyway before it’s no longer a mistake but a pattern of calculated lies in order to not face the truth and consequences?
It’s great that you laid out the case for why Josh should be given a second chance. This is America; we love second chances here. However not everyone is deserving of a second chance. We’re willing to forgive and forget unless the person in question is just not likable, in which case we couldn’t care less. Unless we need that person for fantasy purposes, in which case we will still draft them and stash them in the hopes that their particular brand of abuse, be it drug or spousal or child, will not result in them missing too many games. After the season though? We don’t even mess with them like that, fam. Unless it’s a keeper league.
The reasons why Josh deserves our forgiveness (even though he is apparently not checking for it) are not the point. The point is that your existence has no point. The point is that ripping people that can clearly see that Josh has a problem without the benefit of having even met him is idiocy. Not nearly as idiotic as ripping the league for taking money from Budweiser was, but still idiotic all the same. D’Qwell Jackson (somehow this is an actual person and not a Key & Peele character) tweeted his concern for Josh’s well being back in July of last year. Did he get an open letter too or did he just get ignored? Did Art Briles not know Josh Gordon either when he dismissed him from Baylor? Why didn’t you make an appearance then, Open Letter?
Josh Gordon is facing a season long suspension for the second year in a row. No amount of weakly penned Mea Culpa is going to change that. Josh Gordon may not be much of a drinker, but he isn’t much of a thinker either. Maybe that makes him a social thinker; he only thinks about the consequences for his future when he’s around others that think about the consequences for his future. Too bad it sounds like he’s not interested in hearing what they have to say.
Well that’s all I have to say. I hope that you take my words to heart, one Open Letter to another. I know you mean well, but you’re part of the problem, not the solution. I hope you’re not needed again anytime soon. But we both know it’s only a matter of time before we’ll see you again. And when that time comes, do the right thing and tell the truth. You can leave out the crying and the piano, though. Thanks in advance.