Some blogs are written. Others are crafted. The same holds true for books. 50 Shades of Grey was written. Badly might I add, but written all the same. Written into a sequel and then into a trilogy. Not to harp on this but seriously, it was written so poorly I can’t believe it got published. Just awful. But hey it sold a trazillion copies and got a movie deal so what the hell do I know?
By comparison, George R.R. Martin’s masterpiece of craftsmanship, the Game of Thrones series, is about all an author could hope to accomplish with a series. Underappreciated initially, eventually adapted into an HBO series and morphed quickly into a cultural phenomenon the likes of which we haven’t seen in years.
The two above works couldn’t be more different in quality, but they do share one undeniable similarity: they’re both essentially ripoffs. 50 Shades is nothing more than Twilight fan-fiction gone horribly wrong, while Game of Thrones is a remixed retelling of The Lord of the Rings more or less. I am not here to debate this. I think they are both wonderful but the influence of J.R.R. Tolkien on George R.R.My.Middle.Name.Is.Really.Steve. Martin is clear. Battle of the Five Armies leads to War of the Five Kings. Gollum leads to Reek. And you can’t have a fantasy story without a chubby but loyal and surprisingly able sidekick named Sam. Rules are rules after all.
You know what else is basically a ripoff? The NFL. There’s never been a lazier but more accurate piece of color commentary than the ole “Well _________, it’s a copycat league!” Nothing works better than something that worked for somebody else it would seem, and when success happens in the NFL other teams are going to quickly begin to mimic that success through hiring assistants and changing schemes wholesale. I would like to be more critical here, but I’ve run into a slight problem: I’m about to ripoff this entire article. So let’s not focus too much who cast what stone first right now, there’ll be time enough for that later.
I truly didn’t sit down with the intention of taking someone else’s work and trying pass it off as my own but I ran into some complications in the creative process that left me with two choices. Before we get into those choices let’s talk a bit about what my creative process looks like:
- Jot down a few of the million of ideas bouncing around in my head.
- Through process of elimination figure out this week’s topic.
- Rough out an outline for the structure of the article. This step is optional.
- Quickly check to see if anyone else has already covered this topic elsewhere and if so determine if there’s a need for me to still write on the topic or go back to Step 2.
Simple but works for me, your mileage may vary. This week was an even more streamlined process because I already knew what I was going to write. A quick rundown of NFL QBs and their Game of Thrones character equivalent. Easy. Could write that and even leave the Wings game on in the background. So what happened? Apparently the unfunny jerks at the Sports Pickle happened.
Somehow those losers did this very same thing about a week ago. WEEK. AGO. How did they beat me to this not terrible original punch by 5 days? I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter because the bottom line is that they did. This happens all the time, although this time there was a problem. What they wrote was trash. TRASH, BRUH. Reading their take was like watching somebody cook filet mignon well done and then drown it in ketchup. We all deserved better than that, and I’m going to give the people the gloriousness that this topic deserves. Plus WTF is a Sports Pickle? I’m going to go out on a limb and say nobody read that junk. No offense.
So without further delay, let’s get into.
AFC North- Starring:
- Khal Drogo as Joe Flacco
- Sansa Stark as Andy Dalton
- The Mountain as Ben Roethisberger
- Joffrey Baratheon as Johnny Manziel
Okay, so things get off to a up and down start with the AFC’s least interesting division of QBs, despite multiple Super Bowl rings being represented. Khal Drogo had all the physical tools but suffered the tremendous misfortune of being the right guy in the wrong place. Flacco wins. That’s about all he does. You’re not going to find anything about his numbers that make you think he’s worth the huge contract he got after he won the Super Bowl. But man does he win. Like, he wins a lot. In a different system that could make better use of his ridiculously big arm he would be an elite QB. But a Khal who cannot throw for 4,000 yards is no Khal. The Ultimate One-Season Wonder.
I’ll freely admit the Sansa Stark thing felt lazy at first. She’s got red hair, he’s got red hair… let’s just move on. But there’s more to it than that. Sansa has been an utter disappointment of a character. Every time you think Sansa is ready to finally take a step and grow as a character she just doesn’t. She is mentally weak and emotionally frail. You’d like to think there’s something there buried deep inside her waiting to erupt, but no. There’s nothing there, there will never be anything there. Okay, now we can just move on.
The Mountain may be a terrible person, may even be a rapist, but in the only thing that matters I would NEVER bet against him. He just keeps showing up and beating guys and winning. Big Ben is the obvious comparison.
Johnny Manziel aka Joffrey Football is a spoiled brat that should have never been handed the keys to the kingdom and we can only hope that his replacement is more responsible and deserving.
AFC East- Starring:
- Robert Baratheon as Tom Brady
- Gendry as Ryan Tannehill
- Guy That Got Shot Off The Wall By A Giant Arrow as Geno Smith
- War of the Five Kings as Bills QB
Let’s start with Gendry. Seems like a good kid. Good bloodlines, the right heritage to boot. All the tools you need to be King someday. But also could be bled to death and dumped off a cliff in Dragonstone sooo… let’s not put too much stock in his future.
King Robert however is a guy that did it all and went out on his terms. Kind of a known cheater but people still love him and he was the last legitimate king. Wasn’t even supposed to be King, but usurped the throne and never looked back. Has no clear heir apparent. Wife is a Hall of Fame shade thrower in her own right. And let’s be honest, if any NFL QB has an actual Iron Throne in their house, it’s Tom Brady.
As for the Bills, they have lots of guys competing for the job but we all know nobody wins in this scenario. But that’s still better than the Jets QB situation. Seriously. Geno might as well go ahead and take the black and head to the top of the wall. He’s never had the right support around him and he’s not a bad player, but he’s played so poorly for so long his coach legit just left to go coach another team in the division. How bad do you have to be to have your coach say he’d rather play you twice a year than start you 16 games? Hey, it’s not personal. Geno did his best. And now his watch has ended.
AFC SOUTH- Starring:
- The Red Wedding as Texans QB
- Renly Baratheon as Blake Bortles
- Jon Snow as Titans QB
- Robb Stark as Andrew Luck
Texans QB situation is shockingly horrific. Traumatically so. If I were a Houston fan I would brace for the absolute worst outcome imaginable. I am not exaggerating here, it’s going to be flat out a disaster. I mean Tom Savage sounds like an ACTUAL character from the show! Who???
Speaking of the Red Wedding, Robb Stark is Andrew Luck. They are literally the same person, down to the beard. Robb found himself having to replace his father Ned, Luck had to replace Peyton Manning (oddly, Manning is not being played by Ned Stark in the AFC West). Despite being from the North, they find themselves waging war in the South. They are both charismatic leaders that have an understanding of the tactics needed to win and the talent to execute those tactics despite their youth. And they were both ultimately undone by terrible marriages. Robb at the Red Wedding, Luck by his running games and the trade for Trent Richardson. All hail the King in the North.
Blake Bortles is tall and can surprise with his effectiveness at times. Which is a complete and total lie that I just made up. He’s terrible and this will not end well.
Whoever becomes the QB for the Titans will have two major challenges and not enough resources to tackle them. That automatically makes them Jon Snow. They will need to rally the troops, foster an atmosphere of hope and prepare for the Whitewalkers (see: Colts road unis) from North of the Mason-Dixon (which isn’t exactly a wall but work with me here). They will also have to do so with overrated and perhaps even overrated leadership undermining them at every turn. Ken Whisenhunt has a track record of throwing his QBs under the bus and will most likely do the same to his rookie signal caller. Winter is coming. Will the Titans still be playing for anything when it gets here?
AFC West- Starring:
- Jaime Lannister as Peyton Manning
- Balon Greyjoy as Philip Rivers
- Brienne of Tarth as Alex Smith
- The 2000 Guys Robb Sent to fight the Lannisters as Raiders QB
Much like Philip Rivers, Balon Greyjoy missed his chance. It was never much of a chance, but there was a window of opportunity for him to strike and take everything he ever wanted. Hell he did take his shot, more than once. But he didn’t ever get it done and now that window is closed. He may throw a wrench in the plans of others but he will never be the King. Probably for the best. Seems like kind of a jerk.
Brienne of Tarth is proud and capable, but still not your first choice. She’s proven herself many times over. She will never be your first choice. In a head-to-head matchup she’s going to win more than she’s going to lose. You’ll still want someone else fighting for you. Let’s just move on.
Jaime Lannister had it all. Like everything. The family name, the fame, incredible wealth and massive popularity. However of all the things that he had, his skill with a sword was the most impressive. He was unmatched, a legendary once in a lifetime talent. Then he got injured and had all that talent stolen from him. If getting your hand chopped off an injury. Seems like it may be more than just that, honestly. But either way he’s not the same guy anymore . And he never will be. Which may not be the worst thing in the world for a guy that had three kids with his sister and threw a boy out of a tower window. That last part may not translated 100% over to Peyton Manning, but ask yourself this: how well do you REALLY know Peyton Manning?
Exactly, my friend. Exactly.
Follow The Twice on Twitter @nokidsand3money